Friday, January 18, 2013

Have you heard the word of full frontal nudity?


The Jehovah's witnesses knocked on my door this morning. I answered and was talking to them. Two ladies in their 60's. The one did more of the talking. She was like - 'We're wondering what you think of the state of the world. What can make it better.'

I was like, 'Well, people. We can make it better.'

Her, 'Well the governments are the ones making things the way they are.'

Me. 'Governments made up of PEOPLE. Who we elect. WE can make things better by electing the better people, or running for office. Or we can write letters and do all we can when we don't agree with what they're doing.'

Then she goes, 'Well you haven't really been around the world long to see what's happening.'

Me, 'I'm a lot older than I look.'

'How old are you?'

'I'll be 31 in a couple months.'

'OMG! I thought you were 17! haha congratulations! What a great way to start your day!'

Me. '...' Side note, I don't think looks are something to be proud of. It's genetic chance. It's not like I have an athletic physique I've spent hours a day cultivating. I had nothing to do with the way I look. It's no big deal, and certainly not an accomplishment. But I digress.

Then she launched into end of days stuff. I read out a line she asked me to about how the world is coming to an end, but the believers will live eternally. I'm paraphrasing. I can't remember it verbatim. I hadn't had coffee yet. :(

She asked what I thought that meant. I said, 'In this context it's saying the world is ending, but the people that believe in god will live eternally.'

She's like, 'Well, the world isn't really ending-'

I'm like, 'Um no. It says 'The world is coming to an end. It says that. Right there, right?"

Her. 'Yes.'

Me: 'Every religion has their own version of end of days.'

Her: 'Yes. They're all saying the same thing.'

Me: 'No, they're not. They have different versions.'

Her: 'Well the world isn't really ending. We'd have to define what the earth is.'

Me. 'No, I think they're pretty specific in the bible about the earth and heavens being different.'

Her. 'Yes.'

Me. 'So if you take part of this sentence literally, you have to take the rest literally. You can't pick and choose.'

Her: 'Well even in the king james version of the bible, it was written in old english, and we don't talk that way anymore. So we have to interpret it with today's language.'

Me: 'No. If the bible is literally the word of god, then it can't be open to interpretation. It has to be taken literally. If you believe god is infallible, and the bible is literally the word of god, then you can't pick and choose.'

Other lady: 'You're right. I agree with that.'

Then the phone rings.

My dad (from his bedroom) shouts my name as the phone is for me. He thinks I'm downstairs instead of by the front door, and he walks into view COMPLETELY NAKED!

So the Jehovah's Witnesses were treated to a 6'2, 240 pound full frontal action shot of my dad.

So yeah. They beat a hasty retreat, and I talked to my work.

Dad had scampered to put clothes on, and was in the kitchen by the time I finished on the phone. I told him he'd just flashed a couple jehovah's witnesses.

My dad cheekily asked, "Well, why didn't they come in?"

And people wonder why I'm the way I am...


  1. There's a reason why in my current WIP, when the MC is forced to call down a plague, she summons Jehovah's Witnesses.

    Oh, and your dad sounds awesome. That's certainly one way to get them to go away.

  2. My life is so much better for having read this. Hahaha

  3. I love that you posted this. So great.

  4. Did they melt like the Nazis did, after they opened the ark of the covenant?



    That story had a much different ending than I expected it to have. And that made all the difference. :D

  7. And to think, you almost had them worked around to your version of the New World Order, if he'd only held off coming out for a few more minutes!! Tough luck. ;)

  8. Dude. Your dad #PAFG. This is the greatest thing ever!

    I did this once with JW, but I had just gotten out of the shower and was wearing a towel dripping wet begging them to let me go back inside. Smooooth.

  9. WAIT. Am I the only asshole who hides and pretends no one is home when they come to the door?

    PS. You and Jon would get along so well. His favorite thing when talking about God/the bible/Christians/etc is "You can't pick and choose which parts of the bible apply to you."

  10. haha...that is an awesome story. And, you are NOT the only asshole who hides when they come knocking. I am guilty of that myself. If there is one thing I cannot stand, it's someone trying to convert me to their religion. SO aggravating!

    I once invited a guy in Subway to sit down at my table because it was the only one with a plug and we both had computers. He proceeded to try, the entire hour he was there, to talk to me about the bible and get me to come to his church.

    I wish your dad had been there to flash him!

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  12. This is the best thing I've read today. So happy to be on the blogs on a Saturday.

  13. I had one that used to come to our house. My husband would stand there and talk to her and then confuse her to the point where she had to bring her superior...He should've ignored the door like I did!