Sunday, November 23, 2014

The Little Things

Little things can be the difference between a day that's more disgusting than the scent of a salmon's vagina, or happier than a rainbow unicorn contact juggling crystal balls!

In honour of The Little Things, here are some happy ones of mine that make my day:

-Googling what I'm sure is a completely idiotic question, and not only has someone already asked it, but it's already been ANSWERED! ('Why do powdered doughnuts taste cold?')

-FINALLY finding that earworm song that's been driving me nuts for months when all I had were three words from the chorus.

-Getting to my destination at the same time the song I'm listening to ends.

-When an item I really needed happens to be on sale and I get the LAST ONE!

-When someone asks me a tricky question at work and I actually know it!!!

-Putting a book on hold at the library and even though the book is new and hot I'm the first on the list!

-Craving something ridiculously specific for supper, and having EVERY. SINGLE. INGREDIENT. Without having to shop first!

-Checking out at the supermarket, or anywhere, and the price is even. $20.00?! KICK ASS!

-Finishing a book/movie/tv series and NEEDING TO TALK FEELINGS and my friends have JUST finished it as well so we can discuss it freely without worrying about being Spoilery Motherfuckers!

Thursday, September 11, 2014

My First Celebrity Crushes

Malcolm from The Best Laid Plans is a sexy rocker, though not necessarily a celebrity. But that’s okay because there are plenty out there to fall for. Good, bad, or just because we didn’t know any better, our first celebrity crushes can say a lot about us. Here are my first four.

4. Jack T. Colton from Romancing The Stone.

It’s not even that I think he’s that hot. But there’s something about Jack T. Colton that captivated me. He was mysterious, heroic – when he wasn’t being a thieving little magpie – and he rescued Joan Wilder when she needed it. Sure, it wasn’t all butterflies and daffodils, but he was *exciting* and that was what counted. In fact, Romancing The Stone is probably the reason I wanted to be a writer when I grew up.


I saw it and thought that that is what writers did! If you haven’t seen that 80’s classic, GTFO of here and watch it!

3. Johnny Castle from Dirty Dancing.
He was the bad boy who needed rescuing. He was a DANCER.

He had creative insults for the douche Robby. Helping him and hooking up with Johnny made Baby reclaim her name, stand up to her sister, become a woman, grow up, AND she learned to dance! BOOM! FRANCIS IS WOMAN! I thought that was a pretty perfect experience when I saw the movie for the first time when I was fifteen. Maybe it was really that I wanted to BE Baby, and less that I wanted to BE WITH Johnny. Maybe it was both. :)

2. The Goblin King, Jareth from Labyrinth.

I mean, nobody puts Baby in the corner, but Jareth had that sexy contact juggling thing – AND he sang to Sarah. (I am well aware that Swayze had a song on the Dirty Dancing Soundtrack. But he didn’t sing it TO Baby, which was probably a good thing to mitigate my already raging crush). And he wasn’t BOWIE in riding pants – I mean, um, BOOTS.

1. And here’s where everyone is going to laugh at me so hard that their vaginas turn into outies. Because my very first celebrity crush? Dick Van Dyke from Mary Poppins.

I WAS 4 YEARS OLD! Give a kid a break! It wasn’t a sexual crush, I was too little. But I remember thinking he had a very nice smile and he seemed like he’d be a good time. He made things come to life!

He had cartoon friends! Plus, he had an outrageous accent. And he sang and danced and we all know how I feel about men who are musical. ;)

Who were your first celebrity crushes?

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Tuesday, May 20, 2014

Ambition is trying to kill me

I've been called a passionate person. Intense. Impulsive even. I'll wear those snug little shoes and not think a thing of prancing a mile in them.

But once in a while, those qualities come together in a shitstorm of ambition, laying me out.

Oh, it starts out innocently enough. A song, a movie. A random interaction with a stranger. The interest of self-improvement.

I'll think, 'Hey! I should TOTALLY learn a new language. Knowing the names of my fingers and toes in Norwegian isn't useful enough. I should learn a language! But fully!'

And then I try to decide WHICH language to learn.

'I do love opera. Ooo the Italians in particular! I know a little already from singing those songs, so why not learn Italian? GENIUS! Oh, wait. Except in terms of being able to communicate with other people, Italian is sort of... niche. Maybe something broader would be better! Something like... Mandarin? Yes! Oh, no. I don't ever plan on actually GOING to China. So maybe not. We get a lot of Mexican Immigrants - maybe I should learn Spanish! And Spanish is close to Portuguese, and I know those songs in Portuguese! Yes! OR I could learn Norwegian and Dutch as a tip of the hat to my ancestors! I still have family in Holland and Norway! How cool would it be to learn the languages, and go there for a visit?! YES! Oh, but that's niche again. Le sigh. HEY! I already know some French! I could just carry on with that! It's practically cheating since I took it in school! Yes! But I'm not particularly DRAWN to French.'

Which makes me say FUCK IT, I'll just learn ALL THE LANGUAGES!

Only, I never quite seem to get around to actually doing it because in the meantime, another idea will creep up behind me, an evil minion sent by ambition.

*writes 'The End' on 8th manuscript.* Hey! I've written ALL THE THINGS. *orders 37 books from the library to catch up on TBR List that grew while I was in the writing cave*

Wait a sec. Now that I have time, maybe I'll work on my music! *writes lyrics* Yes! This is amazing! *goes to make the song* DAMN IT! My vision has surpassed my ability. If only I could play ALL THE INSTRUMENTS, I'd be able to get what's in my head out into the world! YES! I already play some guitar, and I HAVE a violin. I'll start with those two. Oh, and the bass. Crap, programming drums electronically sucks. I should just learn that too - it will make my life SO much easier.'

But those things NEVER happen the way I intend. I SEE what's happening, but am powerless to stop it!

I want to be better! I want to do it all! AND THERE'S NOT ENOUGH TIME! Oh, man, all the things I will never get around to doing haunt my steps like an unfortunately rancid fart, surrounding me with the stench of failure and shame. Failure because I've spectacularly failed at meeting my goals.

Sure, I get things done. But not all the things I wanted. *snivels* And I'm not one to half-ass things, so it gets overwhelming when 37 books arrive in for me at the library, all on intensely technical music theory geared towards general, bass, and guitar - because I never bothered learning theory. Oh, I can sight read, and I played piano when I was eight, but my theory book and I came to an understanding back then: I would NOT learn it, and it would NOT get ripped into tiny tiny pieces. Everybody wins!

Everybody except PRESENT TAMARA! Because Past Tamara?

Because of you, and your partner-in-crime, Ambition, this week I'm supposed to learn three languages, read nine novels, read and learn five books of music theory, do an online course, write forty pages, hit the guitar hard - and then the bass or violin - not sure WHICH will be first, edit two manuscripts for other people, figure out the music to two songs you came up with lyrics but no music for, come up with lyrics for that melody you shouted at me at four AM, and go to work.

And try not to hack my lungs out because clearly you didn't plan on me catching the flu this week.

Are you TRYING to kill me?

Screw it. I'll get to it all NEXT week instead.

Sunday, March 16, 2014

Spoilery Motherf*ckers

Dear Writers,

A blurb is NOT a synopsis.

A synopsis tells us what happens.

A blurb should give us enough information to make us WANT TO KNOW what happens.

It's the difference between running into the bedroom naked, or showing up in sexy lingerie, making them desperate to see what's underneath it.

Naked's hot. But there's no mystery. If I already KNOW what's beneath the (book OR bed) sheets, you're being a SPOILERY MOTHERFUCKER!

This goes for readers - and reviewers - too. DON'T go through the plot and summarize it in your own words, and give away the ending. Don't waste words on summing up the book - it likely has a blurb in the review, or at the top of the page for the reader to see if they are interested. It IS possible to review things without giving the plot away! I promise! THINGS CANNOT BE UNSEEN. Way to kill the mystery.

I started reading a series that had a metric SHIT TON of books in it. I had read over ten books. A patron came into the library and had gotten the newest one - she was about 4 books ahead of me as I'd only started a few months before, and had a lot of catching up to do. She was like, 'Have you read it yet?' I was like, 'No! So PLEASE no spoilers!' She smiled and replied, 'No spoilers. She's still working at _____. Still hasn't chosen between the two love interests.'

If you do this, I hate to break it to you, but 1. THAT IS A SPOILER! and 2. YOU ARE A SPOILERY MOTHERFUCKER!

You can be a spoilery motherfucker just by asking an ill thought out question. You notice someone watching tv, or reading a book. 'Oh, have they found out he's the father yet?'



I realize I sound OCD about this, but I am HYPERSENSITIVE to spoilers. If I know I'm going to read a book, I won't even read the blurb on the back, because all too often they give too much away and I can figure things out. I also won't watch previews to movies I know I'm going to see. Same reason. The previews used to entice. Now they give it all away.

Leave a little mystery. Make me work for it. Don't thrust your things in my face, all out there and revealed. I want to discover the inner workings for myself.

Spoilery Motherfuckers not only ruin it for their friends, but they ruin it for themselves. Because we hate them.

Only you can prevent Spoilery Motherfuckery. 

Thursday, January 9, 2014

Interview with Kendall Grey!

I interviewed Kendall Grey over on the Hot WIP's and Sassy Chicks Blog!

Check it out! (And if you haven't read anything by her, you are missing out!).