A tiny ambush by the one-eyed trouser snake.

This post is brought to you in commiseration with the recent pain my effervescent friend Fizzy Grrl when she encountered a wanker at the movies.

I too have had an unexpected public encounter with a one-eyed trouser snake, back in the year 2001.


Picture it, Calgary. 2001. A young, idealistic Canuck was walking to the bus stop one summer's evening. It was balmy, the sun had only just set, so it wasn't yet dark.



I was strutting along wearing my giant headphones, filling my ears with some righteous tunes, as I am wont to do. My headphones are huge. I've rocked the giant earmuff headphones since 1999. I was feeling particularly cute that day, and was heading back home.



Basically, this:

I was about four blocks from my friend's house, and two from the bus stop, walking on the left side of the street, against the flow of traffic, because safety first.



 It was a busy road, one with a lot of street AND foot traffic, but there was no one else walking. I got to strut down the centre of the sidewalk, owning it.

When I saw a movement out of the corner of my eye.



Humanoid form.



Standing on the front lawn of a low-rise apartment building set about twenty feet back from the sidewalk.



A man.


A NAKED MAN.



A NAKED MAN VIGOROUSLY JERKING OFF!

Well. I say, 'naked,' but he was wearing socks.


Still.



He was jerking at his dick like it owed him money. Just FURIOUSLY tugging away.



Now. I suppose I should have been scared. But really, I was too shocked to outwardly react. I kept my face neutral, like 'Big deal, I've seen it all before. And again just now. Not impressed or scared. I am slightly amused at your pathetically lame show of unimpressive anatomy.'

When really on the inside I was like:

WHAT THE FLAMING FUCK DID I JUST SEE?!

And that wasn't the worst part. The most shocking part.




The WEIRDEST part, was just before I passed him, HE TALKED TO ME.



I couldn't hear what he said over the volume of my music. But I did not respond, because I was, and still am, 100% sure that he had nothing to say to me that I would find interesting, amusing, or enlightening. Not while he had his dick in his hand. So I didn't remove my headphones, and I didn't stop.



I kept right on walking, all the while thinking:

Dude.

Because how does one get to the point where they think it is okay to stand buck naked on the side of a busy street in the middle of a city, and jerk off?!


And then TALK to someone who walks by, rather than, oh, I don't know, RUN AWAY IN SHAME?!



Dude didn't follow me. Which was good. Because ew.


I suspect my getaway was cleaner than his.


To Fizz, I welcome you into the club. The 'I have been ambushed by the sight of public peen' club.