Monday, March 4, 2013

Bad Query Contest

Hey! So a few weeks ago, the Agent Jessica Sinsheimer threw a bad query contest. I sent one - because how can you resist?

There's a Bad Query Contest Tumblr that is SO WORTH checking out!

Here is mine. All grammar/ spelling mistakes are intentional. Obviously.

If you don't understand why this is a brutally bad query... then I don't know what to tell you, sweetheart.



Email Subject line:

LOOK NO FURTHER! FUTURE NYT BEST SELLING AUTHOR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Message: 

 Dear Mr. Sinshammer,

You're not my 1st choice, but after not receiving any replies from the best agents out there, I decided I could do worse than to accept you as my agent. So I guess contradulations are in order!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My fictional novel is loosely based on my life as a self made drug dealer and pimp, called PIMPIN AIN'T EASY UNLESS YOUR ME.

Not only is it a novel, its a memoir, self help, history, and even cook book - if you count cooking up heroin. Because it is completley true I figured you'd be able to put it in alot of sections in the bookstore so we can sell one to everyone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We could even put a different cover on each so maybe some dumbasses would bi a few copies HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA and we would be rollin in the dough.

I already bought clothes for my tv appearances - I bet even Oprah will come out of retirement to have me on her show!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

Ihavethepeopleallpickedouttoplaymeinthemovieseriesaswell. We will be bigger than that bitch who wrote that vampire flick mostly cuz we can have lots of drugs and sex in the movie because that is what the kids like these days.
My book is being hand delivered as we speak to your personal address by one of my top ho's. She knows if you want anything extra that is your deal, and a little extra but we can work that out when you give me a big fat advance.

There's only a chapter so far, but I figured I'd give the story and you would hook me up with one of them ghost writers. I ain't got time to write the whole book at the moment on account of my community service.

I FEEL LIKE WE ARE AN AWESOME MATCH AS YOUR FINE AS HELL AND IM FINE AS HELL AND YOUR PROLLY NOT DOING MUCH AT THE MOMENT ANYWAYZ.

Don't call before noon.

Keep it tight.

-Douchebag

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