Friday, June 3, 2011

Too many mountains between Myself, and Me.

Sometimes I feel a profoundly... unsettled feeling. A malaise if you will, when I think about who I am, and who I want to be.

It's like I get acutely aware of all the other Me's that could be in other dimensions. I wonder what I'm like. All the other possibilities of me.

How maybe they are more ME than I am. A concentrated version of me. More Me than I am. Maybe more Me than I'll ever be.

Maybe you know that feeling. That strange sensation somewhere in the region of your solar plexus/ breastbone. A wistfulness that defies words, and yet radiates a discontent that makes you lie awake at night. Not every night. But enough to make you feel like it never really goes away.

So how am I supposed to get to her? How do I be who I want to be, when I'm not even sure who she is?

I've talked myself out of so many dreams. How do I talk myself back into them?

I'm not That Girl. The girl who Believed in herself. I believed in myself with the passion of a zealot. There was no doubt. The Siren. The Moondreamer. My self assurance covered me like a warm blanket.

But now there's only the cold air of indifference and doubt washing over me; standing alone on the stage.

Maybe another Me in another dimension saw that I wasn't using what talent I had, and she stole it away. Now she's living the life I wish I had. Being the woman I want to be. How can I get it back? Where do I begin looking for it?

And when will I realize when looking for it, that it was never gone at all?

3 comments:

  1. Amazingly well written, and thought provoking!

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  2. You have to force yourself to do things and go for it. Burn some bridges, back yourself into a corner, tell people what you are going to do so you have to go and do it. Publish that novel.

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