Friday, June 3, 2011

Too many mountains between Myself, and Me.

Sometimes I feel a profoundly... unsettled feeling. A malaise if you will, when I think about who I am, and who I want to be.

It's like I get acutely aware of all the other Me's that could be in other dimensions. I wonder what I'm like. All the other possibilities of me.

How maybe they are more ME than I am. A concentrated version of me. More Me than I am. Maybe more Me than I'll ever be.

Maybe you know that feeling. That strange sensation somewhere in the region of your solar plexus/ breastbone. A wistfulness that defies words, and yet radiates a discontent that makes you lie awake at night. Not every night. But enough to make you feel like it never really goes away.

So how am I supposed to get to her? How do I be who I want to be, when I'm not even sure who she is?

I've talked myself out of so many dreams. How do I talk myself back into them?

I'm not That Girl. The girl who Believed in herself. I believed in myself with the passion of a zealot. There was no doubt. The Siren. The Moondreamer. My self assurance covered me like a warm blanket.

But now there's only the cold air of indifference and doubt washing over me; standing alone on the stage.

Maybe another Me in another dimension saw that I wasn't using what talent I had, and she stole it away. Now she's living the life I wish I had. Being the woman I want to be. How can I get it back? Where do I begin looking for it?

And when will I realize when looking for it, that it was never gone at all?


  1. Amazingly well written, and thought provoking!

  2. You have to force yourself to do things and go for it. Burn some bridges, back yourself into a corner, tell people what you are going to do so you have to go and do it. Publish that novel.