Sometimes I feel a profoundly... unsettled feeling. A malaise if you will, when I think about who I am, and who I want to be.
It's like I get acutely aware of all the other Me's that could be in other dimensions. I wonder what I'm like. All the other possibilities of me.
How maybe they are more ME than I am. A concentrated version of me. More Me than I am. Maybe more Me than I'll ever be.
Maybe you know that feeling. That strange sensation somewhere in the region of your solar plexus/ breastbone. A wistfulness that defies words, and yet radiates a discontent that makes you lie awake at night. Not every night. But enough to make you feel like it never really goes away.
So how am I supposed to get to her? How do I be who I want to be, when I'm not even sure who she is?
I've talked myself out of so many dreams. How do I talk myself back into them?
I'm not That Girl. The girl who Believed in herself. I believed in myself with the passion of a zealot. There was no doubt. The Siren. The Moondreamer. My self assurance covered me like a warm blanket.
But now there's only the cold air of indifference and doubt washing over me; standing alone on the stage.
Maybe another Me in another dimension saw that I wasn't using what talent I had, and she stole it away. Now she's living the life I wish I had. Being the woman I want to be. How can I get it back? Where do I begin looking for it?
And when will I realize when looking for it, that it was never gone at all?